A Little of Everything.

I apparently suck at trying to maintain a website. I have tried it before, but I simply fail miserably at keeping it up.

Anyways, I have done a lot of thinking, ecspecially since viewing my brother's Multiply site, and I definitely want to utilize this space more (can you tell I want to be a teacher by how I worded that? It's gross). I want to start posting book reviews, movie reviews, etc as well as posting more writing here in the blog.

I am also working on getting more pictures up as well as trying to find a site that will host a guestbook for me.

Anyways, continued to come back and see what I have added....

The Summer of Changes.

Perhaps that title is cliche. But it is fitting for my mood so early in the morning, and the thoughts that have been running through my head since I came home from school.

It might have been noticed that I have not been online in a while. Certain circumstances in my life have prevented me from ever being on my computer and the fact that Torrie has taken hostage my desktop. The only time I ever feel inclined to go on is late at night before bed to check my e-mail and attempt a stab at writing for myself. It has been failing to calm me, or to even matter.

I guess the first big change was my hair. I cut off ten inches, while not seeming to be a big deal, it was for me. When I chopped off my hair during my senior year, I did for reasons other than wanting a change. I had recently been through a great deal and wanted to separate the two eras of my life from each other. What better way than to cut my hair, signifying the cut in myself from who I once was and who I was becoming?

In cutting my hair this summer, perhaps I was begging for another change, another transition from one version of Allie to another. And perhaps I am well on that new path, determining which way to set my course and my direction.

The second change was the death of my step-grandfather. Watching my grandmother break down at his funeral was something that really got me. My step-grandfather and I were not close, but death is a unifier, bringing people together in ways and in circumstance they normally wouldn't be. There is something in death that tells you to rethink the steps of your life, the path you are taking and where you are headed. It's a big shove from God, telling you to wake up and realize where you are headed.

Then my dog collapsed for a second time and had her surgery. When we found out it was cancer, it was a blow. How can my nine year old dog be sick? But the vet said only 3-6 more months. And every day when i see her, my heart breaks to know that it could be the last time she looks at me with her eyes without pain, or its the last time she'll remember me. Does that make sense? Losing my dog will be losing a part of myself. We have a connection, her being born on the day I hit my head. She's my baby.

And of course there is my grandmother and her cancer. She too has a limit on her life, much like the limit my dog is now faced with. And every day i wonder how bad it will be to have my grandmother leave to go find her place with my grandfather. And I almost wonder if it would be better, to escape from the pain. But I don't want her to give up fighting, or struggling for the sunlight and the nights when the moon is full.

And beyond the external factors weighing so heavily on my shoulders this night, there is also the personal, the things within myself that I am purposely changing because I don't want to be associated with that image any longer. I want to separate the Allies from each other. I want to be different. I want to view myself as different.

I wonder if that is a seflish wish, a selfish want to be so entirely different from the person everyone knows me as. But if I am not happy with myself, how can I expect to gain any affections or friendships from anyone else? How can I expect anyone else to see me in a positive light when I see myself so negatively? I can't. I can't hold people to hold expectations of me, when i can't hold them myself. So, changing it is, for the better, I assure you.

I even feel like my writing is different. Is it? I think it is. It sounds cold and harsh, like I am not here to press the keys, but instead am trying to dictate a formal letter...

Anyways. Perhaps this entry was meaningless to anyone who even cared to read it. But it meant something to me, a signifier or everything that has been and that has yet to come my way this summer. And perhaps I sound cold and harsh and not like myself, but I am in a place where I do not know myself. Or what I stand for. Or where I want to be any longer.

The End...

I am sitting on the verge of my senior year of college. Being a senior isn't the special part, since I have technically been a senior all year, but it is the idea of finality that scares me. And excites me.

To be honest, I have never been more anxious to get the heck out of East Lansing. I am sick of the tiny room, of the classes and endless papers, and just everything. I am ready to go home, spend some time with my family. And curl up on the floor with my dog and a good book. Plus, my cousin Kate is in town and I'd like to spend some time with her before she goes back to Wisconsin...

I really am just burned out. Six big English classes will do that to you, as well as two paper intensive History classes. I want to add up how many pages I have written for class this year, but I am lazy, and not all the papers are on this computer. I bet its a disgusting amount. I am just tired of interpreting what profs want and all that jazz. I am ready to just graduate and get on with it. Start my life. In Alaska. :)

I guess the only exciting news coming from this week is that the Deparment of History is honoring me with some award on Thursday night. I have no idea what it's for, but I am excited about it. Little ol' me got an award. :)

The summer is looking nice-working at Spencer for the third and probably final summer. I can't see myself going back there again. It will be nice to have a final hurrah and then move on. Plus, my aunt just hired me to be her nanny as soon as the kids come and what could be more fun that watching 2 little boys? Nothing. It'll be fun.

But that is it. No major changes for me lately. Just anxiously awaiting friday and that final trip home to Rochester and away from here.

March Booklist:

I rate all books out of a possible 5 stars.

Fiction:

1. Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli (186 pages): This is another book by Spinelli geared towards young adults. I had heard about this book when it came out, but never read it. It’s basically a rebelling story-one weird girl gaining and losing fame with her classmates and ultimately deciding not to conform to their standards. It’s funny, but unrealistic. And I loved it, cheesy as it was. I give it **** out of five.
2. Lord of Snow and Shadows by Sarah Ash (574 pages): This is book one of the “Tears of Artamon” trilogy. I received the first two for Christmas and finally read them. This one was good, but all throughout the book, I was annoyed with the writing style. It almost seemed as if Ash didn’t really “get” her characters until halfway through the book. But the story and plot was wonderful and unique-something rare in new fantasy. The story basically centers on Gavril Angar as he learns of his new inheritance, including the inheritance of a daemon dragon that lives with him in his body. This book mostly sets up the conflicts and introduces many of the characters, and there are a lot of them. For the first book, I give it *** out of five.
3. Prisoner of the Iron Tower by Sarah Ash (542 pages): This book made me like the first one more than I did. She finally got the hang of her characters and it was easier to trudge through (it was long, like the first). Her writing in general, improved from the first book and it was easier for me to get through the sometimes awkward wording. But, again, the plot and now the characters saved it for me. This whole trilogy is unique in its own way and I am anxious to read the third one when it comes out. I give it **** out of five.
4. Fallen Angels by Walter Dean Myers (309 pages): I read this for the infamous YA lit English class. At first I was not into this book, as I consider myself pretty well versed in Vietnam. It took me a while to get into it and I found myself enjoying, especially the character Peewee. He kept me interested in the book. I can see why boys would like this book-it has war, glory, cuss words, everything a boy could want. But I also enjoyed it to an extent. It would be good to use in a history class as a second assignment. I give it *** out of five.
5. Sammy and Juliana in Hollywood by Benjamin Alire Saenz (291 pages): I loved this book. As someone with a specialization in Mexican history and studies, I was really excited to read this. It was wonderful and provided such a...different view of life in a Mexican dominated barrio in the United States. It centers on Sammy Santos who lives in a barrio called Hollywood. It follows his life during his senior year of high school and the way he grows and changes with his friends. Simply amazing. This is a book I definitely want to assign in my classes, because it also ties in a lot of other issues besides race. I highly suggest this to anyone, not just for young adults. I give it ***** out of five. And this is definitely my favorite book of the month.
6. The Wish List by Eoin Colfer (252 pages): Colfer is known for his Artemis Fowl series, which I have also read. I got this book for 2 whole dollars at the local B&N! Yay for cheap (and good) books. The book moved very quickly and it was funny. But definitely very young adult. There was nothing really deep in it, but I liked it for its simplicity. But I am only going to give it *** out of five, because so much more could have been done with it.
7. The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier (263 pages): I love all things Robert Cormier. This book is very dark though and the ending made me sad. There is a sequel and I am debating going and getting it. It follows Jerry, who refuses to participate in the school’s annual chocolate fundraiser. At first kids idolize him, and then they begin to hate him. It’s the ending that really makes this book and it will be something I want to have on my shelf in a future classroom. I give it ***** out of five.
8. The Pilot’s Wife by Anita Shreve (293 pages): The first book I read by Shreve I absolutely hated. But I decided to give her another chance. I liked this book, and enjoyed it until the end. It was a good ending, but I don’t know if I actually liked the last 50 pages or so. I didn’t like the reason Shreve gave for her husband, and I hated the way Robert came in. It didn’t suit the story. You can disagree. But I liked it at the same time, so maybe I don’t need to like the story. I don’t know. But it was definitely an improvement over the other Shreve book I read All he Ever Wanted, which was creepy and stalkerish. I give this one **** out of five.

Total Fiction pages read: 2, 672

Non-Fiction:

1. When I was Puerto Rican by Esmeralda Santiago (270 pages): This was a memoir, which is why I am putting it here under Non-fiction. I really liked the book. It was well-written and insightful. It was also easy to read and reminded me a LOT of A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. Which might be why I liked it so much. Some parts, however, I had to stop reading because it was a little too graphic for me. I give it **** out of five.
2. Bird Girl and the Man who Followed the Sun by Velma Wallis (224 pages): This was a collection of Native American folktales. Both were passed down to the author by her mother and follow the Inuit’s in Alaska. I like the way she wrote it, weaving two almost unrelated tales into one larger tale, bringing them together at the end. I used to soak up Native American books when I was kid, especially stuff by Scott O’Dell (Island of the Blue Dolphins anyone?) so I really liked this. I give it **** out of five.

Total Non-Fiction pages read: 494

Manga:

(keep in mind pages are subjective, since most pages are primarily pictures, with only a small amount of text)

1. Immortal Rain by Kaori Ozaki volumes 4-6 (576 pages total): Um. Yeah. I am in love with this series. It’s just too bad that the next volume isn’t out yet. Book 4 is definitely my favorite of the series. And I think it’s the artwork that does me in. I think that anyone would enjoy the story line-because they are so different and familiar at the same time. I am glad I picked up the first volume now I will be haunting the site online waiting for the next volume to come out. Simply amazing. I give it ***** out of five.
2. Rurouni Kenshin by Nobuhiro Watsuki Volume 1 (208 pages): Torrie had told me to go get this, so I did and I loved it. It’s very different from the other two series I have read and this whole set is really long. I think there are 24 volumes in the stores right now. That’s a lot, but I can see how the characters could get drawn out into that. I think this series is more traditional in terms of Japanese culture and really different in art from the other two series. It also has more violence, but a lot of the Manga I have read is violent. Anyways, it’s wonderful and volume 2 is sitting on my shelf. I give it **** out of five.

Total Manga pages read: 784

Pages for the month: 3, 950!!

Yeah, I read a good chunk this month-mostly over Spring Break.

Excerpt.

And it was nothing like the home I remembered. The past, my memories had deceived me.
So I put the wall back up and in it a glass pane. A window, to the darkness outside. A window to our past. It’s there now, I can see, just as I saw it a moment ago.
The window to darkness.

January/February Booklist:

I want to get into the habit of keeping track of what books I read. So, I am making a list by month from now on of everything I have read cover to cover. Some of these may come from January, so there will be a few more on here. There will also be books from classes on here.

I will rate them out of 5 stars.

January/February Books!

Fiction:

1. Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery-I really hated the idea of reading this book, it was for my young adult literature class and it just pissed me off from the start. But I found myself enjoying it, and even laughing out loud. I never read it as a kid, and I think I missed out. I have to give it **** out of five.
2. Maniac Magee by Jerry Spinelli-I read this book a kid and loved it. This time around, I still found it just as charming as before. It’s a good book for boys, I think, but definitely on the younger side. This was another read for YA lit class, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. I give it **** out of five.
3. The Bomb by Theodore Taylor-This is another book I read for my YA lit class, but had to do a project on it. I also read this way back in elementary school and it remains as one of my favorite books. It follows the story of the people of the Bikini Atoll, who were forced off their islands when the Americans came to do nuclear testing. It is based off a true story and is very moving. I highly recommend reading it, to at least get a different perspective. I give it ***** out of five!
4. Downriver by Will Hobbs-Yet another YA lit book. I enjoyed this one, but not as much as the others. It follows a group of troubled teens as they break away from their leader on an outdoor adventure summer camp as they decide to raft down through the Grand Canyon. I liked the characters, but the plot seemed…too much. I think it was slightly overboard, but it was a fun, quick read. I give it *** out of five.
5. The Neverending Story by Michael Ende-I was excited to read this, as I love the movie. However, I felt that the story moved so slowly…it was hard to stay reading. But, that being said, I felt it was an amazing book, giving light to the idea of imagination. This again, was a YA lit book, but has been on my to-read list for some time. I would recommend it if you have seen the movie, for comparison. But it was hard to get through. I give it *** out of five.
6. Spite Fences by Trudy Kricher-The last required YA lit book on my list for the month. It centers on a girl living in a small town in Georgia during the sixties. Maggie comes from a battered home and it struggling to find her own identity in a segregated town. To me-this book is the quintessential required young adult book that would be taught in schools. However, while I loved the book, the ending pissed me off. There was only a small amount of resolution, but no resolution between Maggie and her mom. That alone pushed its rating down. But perhaps I am being bitter and should realize not all books have resolutions. Anyway, its gets **** out of five.
7. Treason by Orson Scott Card-As soon as I saw this on Card’s website, I preordered it. It stems from another novel published in 1970 called A Planet Called Treason which I also loved. The one is simply a revision of the 1970 publication. Much of the plot was the same, but the storytelling was different. I rather enjoyed this one a lot more than the other. Even though in parts it was weird and somewhat…random. But its good sci-fi from my favorite author, so I am biased. I give it ***** out of five.
8. The Pact: A Love Story by Jodi Picoult-I picked this up over Christmas break and it has been on my shelf for a little while before I decided to read it. I like Picoult’s My Sister’s Keeper which is a very good book. This one centers on teen suicide, which is a touchy subject. However, the formula for the book was the exact same as her previous stuff, which made me angry. I figured out the climatic ending somewhere around page 100. So when the ending came, I simply felt cheated. My mom also read this and she wasn’t a huge fan. I think it was too obvious what was going to happen and I hate it when writers write the obvious. I like to be pushed as a reader and I definitely wasn’t with this book. I give it ** out of five.
9. Cat’s Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut- I love this book. It was a re-read. So I cheated. But I love the story and his humor. A lot of people hate Vonnegut, but I praise him for his writing. I give this ***** out of five.
10. Blue Smoke by Nora Roberts-Okay, we all know I have a weakness for the romance novels my mom reads. I actually this one before she did, which might be a good thing. This was not a typical Roberts book. I actually found this on disturbing and warned my mom. It follows Catarina Hale, who is being followed by a psycho guy who kills any man she forms a relationship with by burning them alive. Yes-disturbing as the author goes into vivid detail. It made me feel sick in certain parts, but overall, it was a good story. I have to give it *** out of five.
11. The Truth About Forever by Sarah Dessen-This is my favorite book of the month, hands down. My sister and I love this author and Torrie is the one who gave it to me. It’s absolutely wonderful, even if it is Young Adult. ( I think Young Adult literature is the best being written right now, but you can disagree). I highly recommend this to anyone as it really hit home with me. I give it ***** out of five. And anything else by this author is also good.

Non-Fiction

1. Lessons from a Lifetime of Writing by David Morrison-This comes from the guys who wrote the Rambo series. Yeah. I wasn’t expecting much, but my mom picked it up for me. I was actually pleasantly surprised by this book and have been re-reading it for tips and such. I give it **** out of five.
2. Power and the Holy in the Age of the Investiture Contest by Maureen C. Miller-Yes, this is a school book for my history class, but it was really interesting. And seeing as I am writing my research paper on the Investiture Contest, it was also helpful. I know many of you could care less, but it was good and I’m giving it **** out of five.
3. The Crusades 1095-1197 by Jonathon Phillips-Another textbook, but one I’ll read again (yes, I do that). I actually found this helpful and fun to read. It separates the Crusades into their 4 separate campaigns. It was easy to read, and not that long, so I enjoyed it. It gets **** out of five.

Manga

(We can blame the Manga craze and fascination on my YA lit teacher)

1. .hack: The Legend of the Twilight by Tatsuya Hamazaki volumes 1 through 3-I had to read a Manga for my first YA assignment, but found myself captivated after the first book. So, I bought the other 2 in the trilogy and finished it. For anyone who hasn’t read any Manga, you should. It takes some time to learn how to read it (you read it back to front and then from upper right hand corner to lower left hand corner). This trilogy centers on a place called “The World” which is a computer game. The two main characters, Shugo and Rena, win character profiles that are the same as legendary players Kite and Black Rose. Along with their friends they go on to discover the purpose of “The World” and their purpose in the real world. Yes, it sounds cheesy, but it’s wonderful. At first I was disappointed by the ending, but it fits the series. The artwork is wonderful and adds a lot to the story. So if you’re interested in picking up Manga to try it out, I suggest this. I give it ***** out of five.
2. Immortal Rain by Kaori Ozaki volumes 1 through 3-I have only read the first three volumes and there are 6 in the series so far. I loved these three. They follow Machika, who is a bounty hunter on a search for the immortal man named Rain. They seem to run into each other often and he saves her from so many situations. Volume three is a flashback to Rain’s earlier, mortal life and the artwork is stunning. It also alludes to a small love story that begins to appear between the two characters, which is awesome in my mind. I’m looking forward to reading the other 3 volumes soon, but I think this is a wonderful series and I highly recommend it. It gets ***** out of five.

Names.

After some rough days, Matt bought me a new fish. He is very pretty, and pretty fish deserve pretty names. So I named him.

See, names of all living things are important. There is Herman, my plant. He is good to talk to and since he just kind of sits there, he needed a name to compliment that. Herman is one of those solid unchanging names.

And Socko, well...Dave named him, but his name fit him. He was forced to live with Sped (who i will get to in a minute) and the name Socko just fit him. The poor guy, you may all remember when he killed himself for having to live with Sped.

And Sped. Well....he was a special fish as his name says. Any fish who thinks he is a dolphin and can do backflips in his bowl in something else. Anyone who met Sped agreed his name fit him well. He was...a very special little guy who i miss immensely. :(

But now I have a new fish. he is blue and turquoisey and very pretty, so a pretty name had to be found.

And he shall forever be remembered as, "Felipe Frangelico Magnifico the Third," or Felipe for short.

Welcome to my little corner of insanity Felipe. :)

Book List 1:

This is more for me than to entertain you. After talking in some of my education based classes, the professors have been giving us suggestions for books to read. So, this is simply a list that i will be updating for myself.

And if you are ever stuck for a present to buy me, feel free to pick a book off this list. :) I am also going to be making a list of all the fiction-type books I will eventually need to get/read.

• 1776: David McCullough
• Teacher Man: Frank McCourt
• On Writing Well: William Knowlton Zinsser
• 101 Answers for New Teachers and Their Mentors: Annette L. Breaux
• Do I Really Have to Teach Reading?- Content Comprehension, Grades 6-12: Cris Tovani
• Words, Words, Words- Teaching Vocabulary in Grades 4-12: Janet Allen
• The Art of Teaching Writing, Vol. 1: Lucy McCormick Calkins
• A Passion for the Past- Creative Teaching of U.S. History: James A. Percoco
• Games and Strategies for Teaching U.S. History: Marvin Scott
• Engagement in Teaching History- Theory and Practices for Middle and Secondary Teachers: Frederick D. Drake, Lynn R. Nelson, Lynn Nelson
• Breaking Away from the Textbook- More Creative Ways to Teach World History: Ancient Times through the 20th Century and Beyond: Ron H. Pahl
• Teaching World History- A Resource Book: Heidi Roupp
• In the Middle- New Understanding About Writing, Reading, and Learning: Nancie Atwell, Thomas Newkirk
• Learning and Teaching English Grammar, K-12: Barbara M. Birch
• Teaching Secondary English: Mark Pike
• 99 Ways to Get Kids to Love Writing- And 10 Easy Tips for Teaching Them Grammar: Mary Leonhardt

Bubbles.

I had bubble tea for the first time today in AGES. It was wonderful. If you live in EL and haven't been to Bubble Island, you are missing out. My favorite has to the be the Turtle Tea, Strawberry flavored and with black bubbles. YUMMY!

I also took a 2 hour nap today, which is pretty unheard of for me. But it was wonderful to cuddle with my teddy bear and just sleep. *sigh* i just wish my bed was slightly more comfortable.

Other than that, i just felt like writing because I'm in a good mood. I'm happy today, which is interesting, because this morning, i definately wasn't. It was the nap that did it.

OH! there was this BIG bug in my room today that seriously CREEPED me out! It was crawling on my computer speaker and had these big twitchy feelers...eww. Luckily, Lauren and Amanda came and saved me, even when the bug was crawling across my desk...eww. I'll actually be able to sleep in my room now without getting the heebie jeebies.

It Weaves.

It weaves and surrounds me,

Lifting hairs on my neck,

Sending the tingles down my spine,

That set me trembling.

It flows and comforts me,

Warming my skin,

And stroking softly down my arm

Telling me not to worry, not to cry.

It controls me,

Lifting the wet from my cheek.

And sending it spiraling downwards,

Landing and staining the dirt.

It sings to me,

Warning me of its intent,

And telling me to close my eyes

As it howls and shakes in misery.

It lifts me,

And tells me there is no more pain,

Not as long as it is there,

To hold me, to touch me.

It follows me,

An invisible dark shadow

That watches and strikes those who cannot see,

Who do not know its vigil over me.

It watches me,

Both dark and light and translucent,

It watches through the night and day,

To see it all change and move away.

It wanders and holds me,

My only comfort, my only friend,

It waits for me to need it,

And it catches me, tightly around me.

Journey.

I find myself hating the internet more as each day passes. Why? Because it wastes my time. :)

I feel like I am slowly changing. I don't know how else to describe it, or what other words to give it. But I am definitely a different person right now than who I was a minute ago, a month ago. I find that this change is different than in the past. But then again, I can explain no further, because I don't have the words.

I have found that lately I have been lacking in words. Not having the courage to say what I need too, for fear of pissing people of, or because I don't want to be seen in a negative light. I think i worry too much about what other people think of me. I don't want to be seen badly by anyone, so i try way too hard to make everyone else around me happy, no matter how detrimental it is to my own self-worth. Even though I have been trying to make it better, I don't have the guts to simply let things go and say what I mean. I am a chicken. And if you wanted to walk all over me, you could probably get away with it if you tried.

Anyways, I have been focusing on my writing since being back at school. I have this book of writing prompts, and i devote 20 minutes a day to developing an idea and writing, not matter how crappy the writing and the plot is. Only by practice can I finally have my dreams realized.

I bet I will be one of those people who can write every day but whose writing will never leave my computer. Letting it go and letting other people see it puts you in such an awkward position. Writing is so very personal, ecspecially when you put a lot of yourself into it and develop yourself into the plot, the characters, the situation. You kind of take them on, transform into them and feel their pain, their sorrow, their hurt. When someone attacks them, they attack you. When someone criticizes the way you write your characters thoughts, they are criticizing you. That's something people don't understand. Writing is personal. More personal than you think. It tests you and pushes you and makes you cry, but when you finally print off a story and the ink is still wet and the paper warm from going through the printer, there's a sense of accomplishment like nothing else you can imagine.

*sigh* Anyways, a portion from the end of the novel. This is significant, simply because the title of the novel is "Window to Darkness." You'll get it if you actually read the excerpt:

“I can’t go any farther.” There was the dampness of the earth under my fingertips as I pushed against the barrier. “We’re trapped.”

“We must have gone down a side tunnel…” His voice echoed in my ears as I heard him pushing against the earthen walls behind us. I continued to feel, pushing against the damp earth, lifting higher until I felt it. The sudden cool smooth feeling of something completely different, slightly above the top of my head.

“Wait. There’s something here.” His footsteps echoed in the darkness, resonating off the tunnel walls. My fingertips outlined the smooth surface, reaching for the edges, buried in the dirt walls. I could feel the difference in texture and knew what it was. Standing on my tip-toes, I pressed my forehead to the pane, feeling the cold seep into my skin. Even as I peered, there was nothing on the other side that I could distinguish. Only the cold pure black we had come to know in the last days and weeks greeted my tired and weakened eyes. Sighing, I rested down again and closed my eyes, listening to him walk up behind me.

“What is it?” His body was behind mine, pushing into my back, his arms coming up. Reaching for his hand, I pulled it up to the smooth surface, outlining it, helping him feel the smooth coolness of the glass through the healing skin of his hands.

“It’s a window.”

“What’s on the other side?”

“Nothing. It’s the window to darkness.”

I like it. I don't care if you don't. (but that statement contradicts everything above, doesn't it? I like this story, as a whole, even though no one has read it. I think it might stay that way a little longer....or at least until its finished....

Anyways, that's enough of an update for now...

-allie-